I have this weird habit of hoarding chocolate.
Whenever I go into a shop, I scavenge chocolate goodies. I spend ages deciding what to buy, and get something yummy, usually something that I wouldn’t normally eat. I do this every time I go into a shop (which is a lot because my food shopping is quite disorganised. You’d expect this story to continue “and then I took it all home and binged…”.
But nope, this is not how this particular story ends. I collect my goodies, in my cupboards, handbag, desk drawer at work. I have stashes of chocolate that I hardly ever eat! More often than not it sits where I left it, mostly in the bottom of my bag. Sometimes I feel obliged to eat it all, but more often than not I eat a bit then get bored of it so put it away again.
This behaviour is very strange, half in half out of disordered eating. It appears to comes from my restricted ed days where it gave me a thrill to collect and binge on all this forbidden stuff (mostly chocolate). Now I just collect it and feel guilty about hoarding it. Sometimes I eat it, but often not. Sometimes when I eat it I do so all in one go, like a regression back to the old days.
Is this a habit I need to get out of? Maybe. But on the plus side it shows me how much I have definitely progressed in my recovery journey. I have a relic behaviour but often none of the feelings of hopelessness surrounding the action.
So at the end of this year reflect on how far you have come. Often behavoiurs that you think are stuck have morphed, changed, and made you stronger.
Happy New Year all!
On a side note, thanks to Jill for giving me the push I need to get back into writing. I won’t be regular, but I want to be writing again. I stopped because I felt I had nothing to say, but I’ve decided that everyone has something to say!