I’ve been struggling to find something useful to say to you for a long time. I’ve been slipping back into old habits and felt unable to help when I was back to where I started.
At the bottom of my disorder with food is the fear of the unknown and lack of control. I’m terrified that I have no control over when I am going to die. It is a bit extreme, I know, but this is the mind of a typical perfectionist. I’m terrified what I’ll eat will kill me, yet the more I feel terrified, the more I mentally restrict, and the more rubbish I eat. It’s like subliminally I’m telling myself I’m going to die anyway so I might as well eat junk.
I’m eating rubbish because I feel deep down that I’m not worth it. I feel split in two, part terrified and wanting control, and part rebellious not listening to anyone.
But in order to feel sane and to make my mental health better, I need to remove myself from all this negative background chatter. I have forgotten that it is not me, but is the eating disorder talking. I am not going to kill myself. I can’t control what I eat. I have choices but not control. I need to detach and focus on other things. I need to work out what I feel I don’t have control over in my life. I need to make choices that don’t involve food or fear. Above all else I want to feel grounded and secure. I can eat without fear. I need to trust my body will be able to feed itself, that my mind will get the signals about how to eat. I won’t miss out on life, I can live well without having to control or think about controlling food.