Last night I was overcome with a wave of old disordered thoughts about food and weight and my body. Curious, I stepped on the scales in my bathroom (why did I do that, so triggering!), and was ‘heavier’ than I wanted to be (again, what??). Alarm bells went off in my head, but I could still feel being pulled under by these thoughts into a trap of despair.
Thoughts like I’m so fat, I haven’t got my life together, I’m such a bad person were whirling around, but I forced myself to ask a new question.
“What is the fundamental assumption underlying my thoughts and feelings?”
I realised that I am still holding the belief that I am letting my mother down if I’m not the weight she expects. What a crazy thought!
I then held this thought and saw how it physically made me feel. I went through my body describing in my head the sensations that this feeling gave me, this feeling of inadequacy and failure.
It was a tight, swelling, burning sensation in my stomach, which made me feel small.
But as I was feeling, I realised that I was still me sitting in my living room, and nothing fundamentally had changed.
I began to think more positively – I don’t have to live up to my mother’s expectations- I can’t please everyone, and I am an adult. My worth as a person isn’t about my weight. And that gave me relief.
So I’m asking everyone to stop yourself in your tracks every time you feel worthless, inadequate and ashamed. You must notice what belief about life makes you feel this way and question that belief. Then feel how it makes you feel, and notice that you aren’t destroyed by it.
Notice how you are still alive, which means you can feel you then can let it go and move on with your life.